Now I can certainly say writing a blog post this evening hadn’t even crossed my mind, in fact it hasn’t for the last few months. Not until my friend Char, a fellow ‘blogger’, sent me a little reminder that she’s going to be writing every day in November which of course got me excited and made me wonder, can I do it this year? Writing for me lately has consisted of copious amounts of shopping and to-do lists and a scramble of French passages trying to pass as assignments, I feel I haven’t had the time for any personal writing.
The other problem is that the last couple of months have been a very big mental struggle for me. Positive thinking and myself were no longer pals and I had Dominos on my speed dial; the manager has even started to recognise me there, awks! I’ve had no real want to share with the internet as my mental health hasn’t been at all great, I’ve lost motivation for everything in life and my physical health has been a bit of a sham too. These stages come and go in life frequently, I can vouch for that, but this one has been pretty difficult for me. I’ve gained so much weight, lost some special friends and opened a few too many wounds from the past just to top it off.
I guess this is me trying to push through it, share with my internet chums the struggles I mentally go through in life, when I eventually want to open up about them. Christmas (for me this is the whole of November and December) is a time where everything should sparkle, you make more memories with your family and there seems to be a spark in the air. I cannot carry on feeling so sorry for myself in this period or the months will fly by, February will be here and I’d have wasted Winter.
So, will I be blogging for the entire month of November? Maybe not, I don’t take to pressure very well. But I feel this could be one of the many ways to help me. I feel the need to get back on track, so yesterday I took a trip into my local town of Woodbridge and instead of my normal route of shopping where I create a list of shops I want to go in, speedily carry out my shopping duties and hurry home in the fear of getting a parking ticket, I took the time to really browse the shops in my town. It was beautiful, look at the Christmas decoration I stumbled upon – how very Tay and Ben!
I was really dreading yesterday, my mum was coming up to visit for the day and evening – now I don’t think I’ve ever touched on my relationship with her, but it has been very, let’s say, volatile ever since I can remember. I can’t fault her in many ways of how she raised four children, bloody hell I couldn’t manage four brats, three of which were active little boys followed by a Tom Boy, but her parenting in many aspects was very questionable. Granted it’s nowhere near as hideous as some very unfortunate children in this world, but certain events, words and actions leave scars and unfortunately I don’t think I can ever forgive some things. When I moved out, she tried to make a real effort to repair our relationship, it’s taken time and we do get along so much better now but there is some bitterness always lingering, she can’t notice it because she’s often so wrapped up in her own life to take notice, but I feel it all the time.
So I caved when she kept asking for a date to come and visit which was booked for a while for this weekend; we had a glass of Prosecco, a quick lunch and browsed the shops. To be honest it was actually a great day, it took my mind off of many things, I got to really see what Woodbridge has to offer and more importantly it got me in the Christmas mood. After her leaving this morning, a yoga/stretching/meditation session, I’ve realised if I don’t try and think positively, nothing is going to change. I’m going to keep putting on some timber, feeling miserable and pushing my husband further away.
So here goes, dare I say it, roll on Christmas and bring old Tay back!