‘I can’t do it.’

These have been the words that have haunted me for 24 whole years. These four powerful, self-doubting words that I have muttered internally on countless occasions when trying to jump into a new project, new lifestyle, difficult exam or new start; I’m finally done with telling myself that I can’t do it. I’ve always been a negative person, I get plenty of ideas and plans that I’d love to do, I’m a Gemini after all, but I either tell myself I can’t do it or something along the lines of ,‘you’re always going to be a jack of all trades and a master of none, so why not just give up now?’

For someone who has been fortunate enough to be born into a good family, able to attend a great school and fortunately still has good health and youth on my side, there is no reason that if I put my all into something that I can’t do it.

This realisation happened a few days ago, when after speaking to my buddy Char about re-doing her 100 Happy Days along with her friend Maria, I thought perhaps if I were to be a little more positive I could slowly but surely change my life and my attitude towards the world, people and myself.

It’s no secret I have a few personal issues (later to be spoken about in either a longer blog or what I presume will be an emotional video) and I think a small step, like committing to taking 100 snaps over the next 100 days, could be the kick start I need to a positive mind.

So here it goes… here are four of my memories from the last four days.

(My Instagram: @taytay275)

Day 1 – Saturday 21st November 2015

  
A while back, a friend mentioned she was trying to get tickets to go and see Elf the musical, shocked that I hadn’t heard that it was even being made into a theatre production let alone coming to London, o jumped straight on the Internet the next morning and got Ben and I some of the last reasonably priced tickets. If I’m honest, I’m not the best person to ask how it went as I don’t really enjoy musicals in general, I fell asleep during Les Mis *don’t shoot me *! However, I did love the performance, how Christmasey I now feel and the excitement it bought me. But unfortunately it didn’t change my opinion on musicals. 

Day 2 – Sunday 22nd November 2015

  
After getting in at 1am, Ben and I were up again at 7 and on our way to Norwich where he was off to complete his first half marathon. What we weren’t aware of was the snow we were going to be greeted with on arrival! Perfect running conditions for me but poor Ben looked nervous! Nevertheless, I am a very proud wifey and he completed it in a time that smashed both of mine out of the park! 

Day 3 – Monday 23rd November 2015

  
After a beautiful lie-in in our hotel, we headed out into Norwich to do a bit of shopping. Other than a small meltdown on H and M it was actually very successful. We made our way back home and where we had to sort out our empty bookshelves, giving me great pleasure in doing so! We had a new carpet fitted on Friday so everything looked like a bomb site! And I got to make my new little corner where I can cosy up with a glass of wine and pick from my mini library while staring at our fire.. I think I’m a little bit in love! 

Day 4 – Tuesday 24th November 2015

  
Unfortunately this one is a little bit of a cop out, my first working day of the week got away with me and I forgot to take my phone in the gym with me to snap up my new 5km treadmill time! So after a vile 2 hour and 45 minute journey, coming home to a bath with these bad boys is what I needed!
So here goes, here’s to the first challenge I actually complete and to changing my life for the better.

Please check out these beautiful girls also joining me on the journey, Char and Maria !

 

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10.

I’ve had a really nice chilled day today, I don’t work Monday’s at the moment as I made some dealio with my Pappa that I can have Monday’s off to get my uni work done and for now it’s been allowed (shout out to my Daddy for making my life a little less stressful – woo).

So instead of me giving you a run down of my day, I thought I’d capture my day in ten photos. Here goes!

ASSIGNMENT WRITING.

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MIDDAY FIRES TO FIGHT THE FOG.

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STUDY TREATS.

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YOGA AND STRETCHING.

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CRIMBO TOONES.

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PRE-DINNER MERLOT.

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SORRY VEGGIES.

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LOVE ME A STUFFIN’

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HIS.

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AND HERS.

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I do my Sunday’s on a Monday.

Holidays are comin’

Now I can certainly say writing a blog post this evening hadn’t even crossed my mind, in fact it hasn’t for the last few months. Not until my friend Char, a fellow ‘blogger’, sent me a little reminder that she’s going to be writing every day in November which of course got me excited and made me wonder, can I do it this year? Writing for me lately has consisted of copious amounts of shopping and to-do lists and a scramble of French passages trying to pass as assignments, I feel I haven’t had the time for any personal writing.

The other problem is that the last couple of months have been a very big mental struggle for me. Positive thinking and myself were no longer pals and I had Dominos on my speed dial; the manager has even started to recognise me there, awks! I’ve had no real want to share with the internet as my mental health hasn’t been at all great, I’ve lost motivation for everything in life and my physical health has been a bit of a sham too. These stages come and go in life frequently, I can vouch for that, but this one has been pretty difficult for me. I’ve gained so much weight, lost some special friends and opened a few too many wounds from the past just to top it off.

I guess this is me trying to push through it, share with my internet chums the struggles I mentally go through in life, when I eventually want to open up about them. Christmas (for me this is the whole of November and December) is a time where everything should sparkle, you make more memories with your family and there seems to be a spark in the air. I cannot carry on feeling so sorry for myself in this period or the months will fly by, February will be here and I’d have wasted Winter.

So, will I be blogging for the entire month of November? Maybe not, I don’t take to pressure very well. But I feel this could be one of the many ways to help me. I feel the need to get back on track, so yesterday I took a trip into my local town of Woodbridge and instead of my normal route of shopping where I create a list of shops I want to go in, speedily carry out my shopping duties and hurry home in the fear of getting a parking ticket, I took the time to really browse the shops in my town. It was beautiful, look at the Christmas decoration I stumbled upon – how very Tay and Ben!

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I was really dreading yesterday, my mum was coming up to visit for the day and evening – now I don’t think I’ve ever touched on my relationship with her, but it has been very, let’s say, volatile ever since I can remember. I can’t fault her in many ways of how she raised four children, bloody hell I couldn’t manage four brats, three of which were active little boys followed by a Tom Boy, but her parenting in many aspects was very questionable. Granted it’s nowhere near as hideous as some very unfortunate children in this world, but certain events, words and actions leave scars and unfortunately I don’t think I can ever forgive some things. When I moved out, she tried to make a real effort to repair our relationship, it’s taken time and we do get along so much better now but there is some bitterness always lingering, she can’t notice it because she’s often so wrapped up in her own life to take notice, but I feel it all the time.

So I caved when she kept asking for a date to come and visit which was booked for a while for this weekend; we had a glass of Prosecco, a quick lunch and browsed the shops. To be honest it was actually a great day, it took my mind off of many things, I got to really see what Woodbridge has to offer and more importantly it got me in the Christmas mood. After her leaving this morning, a yoga/stretching/meditation session, I’ve realised if I don’t try and think positively, nothing is going to change. I’m going to keep putting on some timber, feeling miserable and pushing my husband further away.

So here goes, dare I say it, roll on Christmas and bring old Tay back!